A Set Of Unbelievable Interviews
by The Symbol of Faith
Summary: Everyone's favourite (and money minting) interviewee, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, turns out to be very uncooperative and directs a poor, unfortunate reporter to his fellow wizards – namely, Voldemort – to answer Miss Sarah L.'s romantically inclined questions. Valentines' Day Interviews have never gone more terribly.
1. Prologue

**AN: Okay, so these were a set of questions that were asked on AO3's International Fanworks Day chat, for the game** "That's Life".

 **Every participant had to pick one character for a round and answer a set of three questions. The character had to change for every round. It was meant to see how "in" character you could be with your chosen characters from your favourite fandom.**

 **All the questions were predecided by them, and had to be answered on spot with-in ten minutes.**

 **The following was my response - and I'd like to share it with you! I have written it as a fanfic, so it seems more like a story :)  
**

 **Also, I have an account on AO3 by the username** "TheWaterGoddess". **Do check me out, sometime!**

 **I'd also like to know how any of you might have answered, so please feel free to review about it!**

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Prologue

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"Harry –"

"No."

"Just one question –!"

"No."

"It shall only take a minute!"

"No."

"Please, Harry! It's Valentines' Day!"

"No. Especially not then."

"Aww, spread a little love, Harry!"

"No, Miss Sarah L."

"But my Boss –"

"Is of no concern to me."

"Please! I need to have answers to these questions!"

Harry paused, "These specific questions?"

"Yes," Miss Sarah admitted.

Harry smirked, "Well, _I_ may not be able to answer them, but I can give you the names and addresses of some people who can."

Miss Sarah nodded, "Okay, anything will do now. Who?"

A shark like grin appeared on Harry Potter's face and Miss Sarah L. gulped nervously. Why did she feel this was not going to go well?


	2. Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle)

**AN: This was Round 1.**

 **I choose Voldemort! Goooo Voldemort! :P**

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Round 1

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Character: Tom Marvolo Riddle/Voldemort (Dark Lord. Murderous sociopath. Genius. Evil Overlord. Most fearsome dark wizard ever.)

* * *

On this auspicious day, the 15th of the shortest month of the year, our interviewer, Miss Sarah L. begins asking her set of questions to a rather (in)famous wizard, Tom Marvolo Riddle (After extracting a Magical Oath that our resident Dark Lord shall not be shooting her an Avada Kedavra at the end of the session).

Sarah: How long do you think you could tolerate spending every minute of every day with your partner? Assume you would work, eat, play and sleep together. Which one of you would need more time apart?

Voldemort: Partner? There is no partnership to be had! I share my power with none. I rule alone. There are no equals to Lord Voldemort! Any one claiming so (Yes, you, Potter) shall die a very painful death by my hand!

Sarah twitches, but respectfully, and fearfully, keeps her silence. Asking the Dark Lord to assume a "What if" scenario and re-answer the question would be suicidal – even with the Oath in place. Lord Voldemort is certainly not known as the most powerful Dark Lord for nothing.

S: Would you be willing to murder an innocent victim if it would end hunger in your world?

V: Of course. My survival is of utmost importance. A mere Muggle or Mudblood is of no consequence whatsoever.

…Right. Did she expect differently?

S: Would sex in a risky place appeal to you or not? Where might be a place you'd like to have it?

V: Coupling? No one is worthy of sharing Lord Voldemort's bed! There shall be no illicit love affairs of mine!

Miss Sarah concedes defeat to the unyielding and uncooperative Dark Lord and moves on to her next Interviewee. This one she deems a success – she has escaped alive with her life!


	3. Dobby (The Free Elf)

**AN: Round 2... This is seriously a Crack!fic. Geez...I don't know what I was thinking... XD**

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Round 2

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Character: Dobby (House-elf. Free elf. Harry Potter Sir's friend!)

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Miss Sarah L. has decided to broaden her mind and has chosen to Interview Elf Dobby next. Harry Potter's suggestions may have been…unexpected, but an elf seems a far better prospective than a Dark Lord.

She begins with her previous list of questions that she was too cowardly to question Lord Voldemort about. Hopefully, her current interviewee shall not pose much problem.

Sarah: Are you more likely to threaten, cajole, reason, or plead to get your way?

Dobby: Dobby's way? Dobby didn't get his way unless he cheated and went around the bad Master's orders. After Harry Potter sir freed Dobby, Dobby is a free elf! Dobby can now do anything he pleases!

Sarah raises her eyebrow, but decides not to ask him to elaborate.

S: Do you judge others by higher or lower standards than you judge yourself?

D: Dobby is a lowly elf, and all the wizards are more superior to Dobby – that is what Master Malfoy used to say. But Harry Potter sir treats Dobby as an equal, a _friend_. Dobby can never stand more proudly than he has done after being called Harry Potter sir's friend!

A Harry Potter devotee if she ever saw one – not to say that she wasn't! Just…Argh! Forget it!

S: If you or your partner could not get an erection what would be your biggest concern or how would you handle the situation?

D: Dobby does not understand the last question. Does Miss not know to ask better? Dobby biggest concern is always the well-being of Harry Potter sir! And his safety!

Miss Sarah realises her folly in requesting Dobby the Elf to be her interviewee and decides to move on to someone with more experience.


	4. Luna (Loony) Lovegood

**AN: Choosing good characters to write on became slightly harder, especially since choosing similar characters would lessen the amusement factor...**

 **Round 3 here.**

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Round 3

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Character: Luna Lovegood (Ditzy blond. Sees things no one else can. A serene and happy witch. Proficient in charms.)

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Daughter of Xenophilius Lovegood (Editor of the magazine, Quibbler), Luna Lovegood, has graciously agreed to answer Miss Sarah L.'s questions.

Miss Sarah has decided to persistently stick to her original list of questions in the hope that they shall finally be answered by young Miss Luna.

Sarah: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment, security, love, power, excitement or knowledge?

Luna: Excitement naturally! I have long since wished to go with Daddy and hunt for Crumple Horned Snorkacks. How very exciting that shall be! Like an adventure! And being friends with Harry, Ronald, Hermione, Ginny and Neville guarantees a life of excitement. Ooh, is that a Blubbering Humdinger?

Okay…a what? Blubbering –? Sarah pastes on a polite smile and continues. _This_ is Harry Potter's friend?

S: Do you find particularly settings to be sexually stimulating, such as danger, opulence, or formality? If not those, what would be a particularly sensual setting for you?

L: A sensual setting? I think one without Nargles. You know, they enter your head and make things go fuzzy – certainly not nice for sex or kinks or anything of the sort I have in mind. Perhaps under the moonlight? Moonbeam is supposed to have relaxing properties, you know... And the fairies may come to bless the union too!

Moonbeam? Fairies? Sarah is not sure she should continue questioning Miss Luna, despite her open manner in answering questions relating to sex and mating. She is uncertain if her sanity shall survive.

S: If you and your partner had a squeaky bed in a hotel room how would this affect your sexual activities? What if it were in a friend's house?

L: Affect my performance in bed? Of course not! Why would it? Oh dear? Are you infected with Mindmint Bugs? I have the cure for it with me right here...

Finding Miss Luna thoroughly uncooperative in answering further questions until she has accepted the medication to Mindmint Bugs, Miss Sarah quickly takes her leave.


	5. Alastor (Mad-Eye) Moody

**AN: Round 4...the hardest round I wrote...because I suck at portraying Moody. I don't even know why I chose him...seriously...**

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Round 4

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Character: Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody (Ex-Auror. Paranoid as hell. Curses first, asks questions later. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!)

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Hoping ex-law enforcement officer, Alastor Moody, shall be more responsible and reliable, Miss Sarah L. poses her next set of questions.

Looking upon them once more, she finds herself to be right in the assessment that it would have been an extremely _bad_ idea to have asked them all to Lord Voldemort.

Sarah : Are your heart-to-heart talks with your partner more about sharing feelings or solving problems?

Mad-Eye: No partner. And no talks! Any information given can be used against you. Tell no one anything about your secrets! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

…Er, right.

S: How many times during the day do you look in the mirror?

M: Don't need ta look in the mirror to see myself. My Eye can see anywhere and anything. Besides, my foe-glass mirror is used to see my foes, not myself!

Sarah heaves in a deep breath, trying not to sigh in frustration. Moving forwards…

S: If as a result of injury or illness you could no longer have sex, how do you think you and your partner would handle it?

M: I've already told ya, gal! No partner! Relationships hinder work. Look at old man Crouch. He had ta choose between family and work. Gave everyone a hell lotta trouble. I repeat – no partner.

Unbelievably, Ex-Auror Alastor Mad-Eye Moody turns out to be even more tight-lipped than the Dark Lord himself and point blank refuses to answer any more questions of such a personal nature. Unable to deviate from her original list, Miss Sarah (reluctantly) thanks the elderly man and takes her leave.


	6. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

**AN: Last round! Round 5 was great! Writing Dumbledore's 'interview' was fun! No idea how it came out...but I think it's done decently.**

 **Do let me know your thoughts on this!**

 **Also, how would YOU have replied? Which characters would you have chosen? Which FANDOM would you have chosen?**

 **Leave me a review!**

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Round 5

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Character: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (Headmaster of Hogwarts. Supreme Mugwump. Grand sorcerer. Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot. Brilliant. Genius. Crazy.)

* * *

Miss Sarah L.'s last resort is to approach kind and welcoming Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter's mentor and headmaster – in the hope that her last three questions shall be answered.

Though, perhaps, expecting decent responses from any of the people young Harry has recommended seems like an unwise thought. Nevertheless, Miss Sarah had been a Gryffindor while at Hogwarts, and pushes through her remaining questions courageously.

Sarah: Do you find that you nearly lose contact with your friends when you fall in love with someone new? How do they feel about your new partners?

Albus: Ah...what an interesting question. It reminds of one of my greatest failure in life...and an adventurous journey with an old friend. I once made the mistake of getting too absorbed and deeply involved with our goals and plans, thus neglecting my family. It is a regret that shall never leave me. Gellert was a wonderful and charming young man, but that...friendship ended for the Greater Good. *smiles and offers lemon drop*

Sarah smiles politely and refuses, inwardly thankful that the old wizard has at least answered her question thoughtfully, if cryptically.

S: Have you ever pretended to care for someone more than you really did? If so, why?

A: Life is a stage, young miss! And we are all actors playing a part. Some things do need to be done, whether the end result is positive or not. Only if young Tom had not strayed from the path of good… perhaps my pretence might have turned into truth.

Tom? Perhaps she should question no further if that is who she thinks it is…

S: If your partner completely lost their temper and starting smashing things in your home, what would you do? What if this began happening every six months or so?

A: Oh dear, a physical lash out? Well… Our first and last argument led to a tragic end... Dear Ariana forever paid the consequences of my actions.

The venerable headmaster seems to have become sad and refuses to elaborate. But, with her questions now answered, there is little point in staying for longer. It is best she left now.

With that, Miss Sarah takes her leave, cursing Harry Potter for leading her around on this wild goose chase – she received no useful replies to her questions and it is quite sure that her article shan't be posted.

Ah well, at least the Boss will be satisfied that the "Valentine" theme was completed – even if it was not done by the Boy Who Lived.

Miss Sarah wonders, though, that just whom Harry would have directed a more vapid reporter like Rita Skeeter to?

…Bellatrix Lestrange?

Miss Sarah shudders and thanks her lucky stars, pushing the day's events into the corner of her mind.


End file.
